Aisalynn Writes

My sister is getting married in April, and with that comes all the drama and grief that goes hand in hand with planning a wedding. Only double.

You know those wedding movies and reality TV shows that are just packed with drama? That's what my family is like. On the outside we all smile and talk exitedly. We are all: "Oh yes, our darling Salena is getting married. In the ballroom of the Paramount theatre. Yes, the theatre with that marvelous painted sky on the ceiling. She's the top events planner there you know. We're all so proud." But behind the scenes everybody is snarling about each other, finding reasons to bad mouth one another, to exclude someone. Exclaiming that they are sick of the whole thing and wondering what's the point because Sis and Jimmy are most likely going to get a divorce anyway. 

My mother just had a fit when she opened up Salena's invitation. Apparently, it doesn't say anything about our parents, and how they are giving her away. She didn't care about it at first, didn't say anything at all when Sis showed her the sample, but now that they are done and ordered, even though she knew about them before hand she has decided to scream and cuss and cry about how she is paying for the damn wedding and how it is the most self-centered invitation she has ever seen. 

Maybe my brother is right. And my mother really IS bi-polar. What did he say it was? A fifty percent chance of passing it on to your children?

My sister Salena says that Dr. Phil would have a week long episode on our family. It's so true. But my mother would never listen to a psychiatrist anyway. 

So apparently mom is going to sell the house and move us all into the addition where my grandmother lives. Yes that right. Sell the house. My house. The house that we had built, lived in for 16 years, added wood floors, a pool and a barn in just the last two YEARS... My dad did not take well to that idea. Which led into a fight. A bad one. 

Emily and Nathan have been shaking and crying for the past hour and a half now, dad is currently staying at my sister's house, his house keys, credit cards, insurance cards and even his CVS Extra Care card is lying on the table. Like he has given up. Dirt is still scattered all over the family room floor from where my mom threw a flower pot at Dad, and Nathan finally just stopped talking in a horrified whisper about how Mom punched Dad in face. Twice. They're too young to remember all the physical fights that happened several years ago, and this was worse than those. It's no wonder they are upset and damnitt, I'm upset too. I was literally shaking when I heard the fight going on in the family room. Fuck, my mother can be scary. (It is my mother who is the psycho who takes things to the physical level, and only rarely. My dad just yells. A lot. All the time.) 

Salena says that Mom has been worse since she started taking those dieting pills (why the hell does she need them anyway?) but I don't think so. She's always been like this. As long as I can remember. And so has my dad. Is it terrible that for all my life I have expected my parents to get a divorce at any moment? That, even when I was little I question whether or not their getting married was actually a mistake? Is there even any love between them anymore? Was there any to begin with? Are all marriages doomed to disentigrate and become nothing more than a statistic? "This couple got a divroce five years after marriage, and this couple stuck it out through hell until 'my husband' was nothing more than 'your father'" ?

If there is one thing I've learned from my parents, its how NOT to communicate with your spouse. 'Cause they don't know how. Not at all. They are both too selfish. Mom more so than Dad. (When mom found out that Nathan and Emily had been crying she yelled at them for it and told them it was none of their business and that nobody cared about how she felt.) Emily finally broke down and started wishing they'd get a divorce and get it over with. A twelve year child, actually asking for their parents to get a divorce. Damn them both.

You know, its funny. It's December, and that means its their anniversary. Nearly thirty years now...

Apparently my father has written me off and is never speaking to me again. I doubt that will last long. He will surely have the urge to yell at me about something or other.

Today I went to the Pacers game with my dad. It was fun. We won, 98-76 (notice title), and there were these two guys with face paint acting all crazy in front of us. It was funny. They were nuts, and apparently they are there every game. (We got half season tickets, so my dad is there three times a month).

Amazingly, even though it was just the two of us, my dad and I got along. Of course, there were some silences, and awkward one at that, because we never spend time alone together. As my older sister put it when she heard we were going to the game, "They are going to the game? They have nothing in common but computers! Anytime I see them talk they are fighting!"

And its true. My dad and I can't seem to have a conversation for longer than five minutes unless its about computers. And then its usually just me listening and waiting for him to be finished. (Very long winded, he is.) But it worked out. I had fun, and I got an awesome Pacers hat and hoodie. I'm happy. :)

My dad kept glancing at me and asking me if I was enjoying myself. And the way he asked it, I knew he didn't believe I was. That upsets me a bit, 'cause I was, (even if I wasn't jumping up and down and screaming at the referees, who were being unfair) and I knew he would not have asked Nathan, or Salena, or even Emily. Kinda shows how uncomfortable we were with each other, huh? Ah well, Salena assures me that once I get past the whole teenager thing we'll be fine. Apparently, he just doesn't like teenage girls. Like I couldn't figure that out.

I think I'm gonna go to sleep, its one o'clock in the morning and I've been up since ten. Amazing I know! But I wanted to watch the parade. Just because the rest of the family decided to let this holiday go to shit doesn't mean I have to abandon my own, personal traditions.

I'm feeling rather down. The weekend started out alright, I went to Jaz's and we dragged Rick with us to Jeremy's basketball game and McDonalds and K-mart, that was fun. But then I went to my aunts house. Usually, this is great fun. I love spending time with my cousin Christina. But I don't know, being around my aunt makes me depressed. And yesturday we did chores for her.

There's something about watching my brother saw down thin tree limbs and realizing that it should be your uncle, your aunts *husband* to do it that really puts a damper on all fun. Then having my dad come over and do electrical work for them. I didn't understand at first why Christina really wants to move out of the house, but now I do. I couldn't stand going through their stuff and straightening things out and noticing all the things that were my uncles. I couldn't tear my eyes away from the photographs of him that are now scattered everywhere.

I don't know what is worse, them talking about him as dead, or them talking about him as if he were still alive.


And then we went to my grandma's house. That was a real cheerer upper, let me tell ya. They signed the papers, so they have to be moved out by October. We went through the barns and house and looked at things that needed to be packed and things that needed to be gotten rid of. Emily and Nathan talked about carving everyones names into a tree, I walked around the property, using old over-grown trails to get the through the woods, dad made a mental list of everything that needed to go. Travis was being a retard as usual. And Papaw almsot seemed normal for a moement. I'm not sure if that's a good thing.

I can feel an explosion well up inside me, I'm just not sure if it is a scream or a sob.



*snort* I'm such an angsty over-dramatic teenager. *cracks up*

Oh, and the subject today is from my composition homework. We had to write about suicide. Such a cheerful subject.

I got to work on my web page today. (even though I was actually supposed to work on my room. I'm going to be in so much trouble.) It's almost done. I still have to create pages for al ot of art links, and add some more stuff to the fiction part, but I basically have the design done. I just finished changing a lot of things around, and I like it. Even if it is rather... simplistic. Anyway, I might post it soon, whether it is completely done or not.

Because my mom canceled our plans to go to Florida this week we went to Indianapolis for the Pacer's game and stayed the night at the Embassy Suites connected to the mall. (Poor replacement for Florida, if you ask me.) The Pacers game was rather boring, we had a steady twenty-one point lead the entire time. Not much excitement. But at least this time there was no creepy fourteen year old at the pool to hit on me and grab my ass. That was just scary. *shudders*

I'm really tired... but I have to at least make it look like a tired to clean my room or else I'll be in even more shit than I already am.. *yawns and wanders off*

Parents are illogical, you know that? Illogical, and with out common sense and.. and... infuriating. So my mom won't let me ride with any teenager, because of lack experience. Allright. So I ask her if she'll take me. No. Get my license. So I'll be able to drive when I get my license? No.

WHERE DOES ANY OF THAT MAKE SENSE!?!?

You can't ride with a friend, so you need to get a license, but you won't be able to drive when you have license, so you're basically screwed anyway. I swear, if I am ever a parent, I will have common sense, if not sanity. *sigh* Mom wouldn't let me go to youth today, because she didn't want to take me and she didn't want Jessica to take me. Even if it is only two minutes down the road... *mutters*

I have noticed that I only use this journal for complaining. So, I am actually going to write something that isn't a complaint. I'm redoing my web page!!! *sing song voice* Its completely different, and I like it. It isn't up yet, but I'll post when it is. *is excited* Its purty!!! Fweee!

Gah! Little kids have driven me insane!!!

My little sister had her birthday party today, and because my decied she wanted to sleep, I was in charge! It was terrifying. I was surrouned by about ten eleven year olds!! And they were loud and annoying and stupid and idiotic and and... scary... *shudders* I ended up having a conversation with some kid about the Harry Potter books and how horrible the movies are. Or rather, he talked about how great the movies are, and I trashed them. (The third one is the worst. It disgusts me. Completely ruined the story line, in my opinion) And then, when I got on the laptop they sat around me (practically in my lap) to see what I was doing. And they were so freaking loud!! And the worst part is, some of them are still here. Its a sleep-over. *shudders and starts rocking back and forth, whispering to herself*