(no subject)

My grandma died today. She had cancer. Lung cancer that had spread througout her body because they didn't catch it in time and she was already to old and sick to try chemo. She'd been living with us since Christmas, but a few weeks ago she decided she was miserable here and wanted to move to my aunts, so we let her. And she died there. I guess that's alright. It means that I won't have to pass by the living room that we turned into a sickroom and always associate it with the place where she died.

I'm kind of numb at the moment, I know I probably won't be really upset until a few days after the funeral--seems to be pattern. (Is it sad that I can say I have a funeral pattern? It's just that a lot of people have died in my family recently.) In a few days I will probably see something of hers--like the ink-stained bible she gave me a few years ago, or the extremely fat cat she doted on, or her collection of Ma and Pa Kettle movies--and break down. I'm more worried about my mom right now. She took it really hard, and I know that the fact we all knew it was coming doesn't ease the blow at all for her. Despite her apparent acceptance of inevitablity,I  know she always hoped Mammaw would get better, even if it was just a for a little while longer.

And this is just a week before the anniversary of my grandpa's death two years ago so I know she'll be mourning him again, too.

My brother and sister have their school musical and their vocal contests tomorrow, so my parents decided not to tell them about Mammaw yet. Just so they wouldn't be too upset too perform and ruin what they have been looking forward too. I don't agree with this. I know my brother and sister and when they find out this was kept from them they are going to be pissed. Especially Emily. She's going to be out for blood.  She was already confused about why, when she was showing off the dress she picked out to where to the contest tomorrow, our mom was just staring at her with a blank look on her face, slowly shoving soggy steak 'n shake fries in her mouth. And I have a feeling she is going to decide not to go to the state competition tomorrow, which will upset my siblings, because they won't understand why and they'll just see it as Mom letting them down again,  and breaking another promise again.

Though maybe its best. I know my mom and the only way she knows how to deal with grief is by getting angry. Like, Big Time angry, and at everyone. When my grandpa died she almost ruined my sister's wedding because of her big freak out where she practically disowned my sister because she didn't like the invitations.  Nathan and Emily don't need Mom taking it out on them when they are trying to do their best to perform and compete.

I should get to sleep. Tomorrow I have to be both Happy!Support person and Grief!Support person at the same time, and possibly a Peace Maker as well.

It's going to be a very long weekend.